Road Rage
by Ickiakki
Summary: The open road is a dangerous place. With crossdressers like Envy, what do you expect? With Wrath as his lawyer, and Lust as his landlady, Envy's going have a tough time sneaking past the police!
1. And So It Begins

**Ickiakki: **Remember, this is my first FMA fic. Also, for those of you waiting for me to update my SSBM fic, I will. Some time at the end of September.

**Envy: **Yay! This fic is about me! And not Lust or Wrath!

**Ickiakki: **Remember, Envy is not my favorite character... Lust and Wrath are.

**Lust: **Remember Envy, her putting you in a fic makes you liable to abuse.

**Ickiakki: **Exactly.

**Wrath: **Read me a story. -sits on Ickiakki's lap-

**Ickiakki: **-instead of pushing Wrath off, pats him on the back- Don't worry! I'll tell you a story about your friend Envy.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own FMA. Or Ebay. What, you were expecting some spectacular disclaimer? Fat chance.

**"Road Rage"**

**Chapter One**

Lust sat down to breakfast that morning with the other Homunculi. Something was not right. Of course, it had always occured to her that none of the homunculi were right in the head, but that was different. They were always "not right" in that sense. She made an attempt to count the homunculi despite all the noise.

"I can't believe it. Somebody stole my shades," Greed grumbled.

"Well, maybe a fangirl took it," Sloth suggested, of course, boredly.

"Ah, but a fangirl _did _ take it," Pride replied, smiling at his own all-knowing power.

"Oh yeah, who?" Greed asked, trying to make Pride look like a fool. Not a very good idea...

"Nikyoyuyokunyuko" Pride smirked.

"Nika... Nuki... Naki... Nene... Tsu-" as Greed stumbled over her name, Pride cut him off.

"She is attempting to sell it over Ebay. I suggest you bid for it before fangirls bid too high. Then you'll never get them back," Pride grumbled.

"I'll do anything to get my precious shades back!" Greed gasped.

"Then just go look on Ebay," Pride sighed.

Reluctantly, Greed took Pride's suggestion and went on the computer to search for his precious glasses. As Greed went into the computer room, he found Wrath playing computer games against Gluttony. Gluttony was very hungry, and wanted to go eat breakfast. Apparently, Wrath was holding him hostage and wouldn't let Gluttony leave. So, Gluttony did the next best thing and began chewing on the mouse.

"Agh! Get off the computer Wrath!" Greed bellowed.

"You be nice!" Wrath hissed. "Well, just for that, I'm not gonna get off. But, Gluttony doesn't seem to want to go on the computer, so you can use his mouse."

Gluttony then stopped chewing on the mouse, pulled it out of his mouth, and siliently offered it to Greed. Then, to add encouragement, Gluttony smiled a horrific grin that reached from ear to ear.

Used to Gluttony's psychotic grins, Greed just replied, "Ewww! I don't want to use _that _ mouse!" Greed waved his arms frantically in the air.

Wrath smiled mischeiviously while Greed flailed his arms and said, "Well, remember, I'm not gonna let you use _my _ mouse. You either use Gluttony's, or wait your turn."

Lust, siliently watching Greed's little escapade, then remembered who was missing. Envy! She had not seen him yet. She wondered what he could be up to.

In town, a loud, eardrum-shattering yell could be heard. Accompanied by a loud feminine scream. Soon, a red convertible could be seen, apparently driven by a reckless driver. A reckless _student _ driver. Then, a red convertible appeared in the streets, after it had jumped over a truck. Then, the car consisted to bash into many of the things on the side of the street, and it seemed that the student didn't know that cars were not supposed to be on the sidewalk.

"How am I doing, teach?" the student driver asked. The student appeared to be a young woman-Err, I mean crossdressing _man_ - with messy, dark greenish hair. Hooting and hollering, the student continued to rampage.

The teacher appeared to be a young lady about thirty, who didn't answer her student's question. She was one of those people who didn't like action, wanted some money, and found a job teaching students how to drive. She never thought there would be a student like this. Well, that's what you get for not being prepared.

"**STOP! You're going to hit a _senior citizen!_**" the driving teacher screamed as she saw an old lady walking across the street, when the light was clearly red. Apparently, Envy had not studied, and did not know that a red light meant to stop.

"What? You mean like, an old lady?" Envy hollered over the noise, looking away from the traffic. The car sped on, almost hitting the old lady, before a nearby policeman ran and shoved the lady out of the way.

"I don't see no lady on the street," Envy grumbled as he unintentionally ran over an an orange cart.

"Oh sh!t!" Envy yelled in exasperation.

The teachers eyes were closed, and as she said her last prayers, she heard a screeching noise, followed by an odd noise that sounded like claws scratching a deep into metal, like metal the metal was hollering in anguish. She curiously opened one eye. It seemed that the screeching noise was that of Envy turning the car, and the clawlike noise was the car getting scratched at the side.

Apparently, the turn had made Envy go into a residential area, and there were some children playing ball on the street. The teacher shrieked once again, but before Envy could swear, the car halted. Envy gave the children an uncharacteristic smile while they ran away in fear. Apparently, there was some kindness in that guy's cold heart. Or maybe he was smiling at their fear. Hm, probably the second one.

He and the driving teacher went through various similiar escapades, and finally, the driving institute was in sight.

(A/N: I want to tell you that this takes place behind the scenes. Ya know, he has fangirls and stuff. Yeah, that kind of thing.)

The driving instructor saw the driving institute, and to her, a heavenly light shone upon the building.

"Park! There!" the driving instructor pointed in glee at the driving institute.

"Whatever you say, teach," Envy said, going through a fence, and finally stopping the rampaging vehicle. After it had crashed into a wall. The driving instructor fell out of the car, and literally kissed the ground, murmuring words of praise.

"Lay my grade on me, teach!" Envy said grinning with open arms.

The driving instructor then glared at Envy, like a tormented, angry, frothing (Yes, she was literally frothing.) wolf would an enemy. She stomped over to Envy (who's eyes are closed by the way), ripped off his headband, and stamped a big, fat, red "F" on his forehead. The impact caused Envy to fall on the ground, in shock.

The driving instructor then ripped off her name tag, which said "Felicia" on it, and screamed, "**I _QUIT!_**" in the most gruff, angered voice any woman could use. It should have been put in a record book.

Disheartened and abandoned,(What the f? Who the heck added _that _in the script! Envy whistles innocently), Envy gloomily looked at anotther student driver. Another female instructor (Who appeared to be about 50 or so...) with a gruff, mean attitude said, "You get an A! I'll give you your license right after I go to the bathroom!"

(A/N: What a convenient time for her to go to the bathroom, no?)

Envy stared enviously at the other student, who appeared to be a blonde nerd, judging by his pocket protector. Then, Envy had an idea. An evil idea. He creeped up behind the nerd like a silient lioness(That was intended. Envy looks like a girl, and it is a fact that the lioness hunts more. /), and then pounced upon the poor innocent nerd, who got what was coming to him-I mean, got what he was _undeserving_ of.

(Envy: Aren't I awesome? D

I/A: NO! Where the heck are Wrath and Lust!

Wrath: I'm right here. I'm still on your lap.)

Then, Envy morphed into a spitting imitation of the nerd, and sat inside the car. As soon as the lady came back, she presented him with a driver's liscense. What? Do I have to explain it in detail for you?

As the Envy opened the door, he saw Lust sitting in the hallway, and gave her an evil, possibly hinting at "getting together", look.

"Look at me like that again, Envy, and I'll slap you," she grumbled as a stunned Envy stood in the doorway. She noticed the mark on Envy's forehead. "Envy, why is there a big red 'F' on your forehead? And where's your headband?"

Envy felt a blush of embarassment creep over his face, and he touched his forehead in disbelief. His headband! He must've forgot to put it back on after the former driving instructor took it off! Then, Envy started howling, bawling, and screaming like an angry child. An angry half wolf child.

"Envy!" Lust called after him.

"Yeah?" Envy stopped almost as if Lust had had finally said that he was hot, which he was hoping. (Envy, you are the most disturbed person ever!)

"Why were you blushing?"

Envy did not answer her, and continued to throw his fit because she had not told him what he wanted to hear.

Greed hit his head against the soft, comforting, pain bringing wall of doom. I meant the wall. Wrath's maniacal cackle was something Envy could be proud of (Have you seen the last episode of FMA?), and poor Gluttony's hunger was eating away at him severely.

"Gluttony, you're free to go," Wrath replied. After six hours, he was _finally_ feeling sorry for the guy. Gluttony gleefully went outside the room, and Wrath followed him. Greed squealed like one of his own fangirls (Yes, he does have fangirls. No, not me, he looks like a pimp.)

**Ickiakki- **The space is the dividing line. Deal with it.

**Wrath- **That was a nice story! May I pweeeeaaaase sit on your lap a bit longer? puppy eyes

**Ickiakki- **Aww, don't worry Wrath! The story isn't over yet. Of course you can sit on my lap more!

**Lust: **Ah, Wrath does not seem to know of the violent gangster's- I mean authoress'- true nature.

**Envy- **Tell me about it.


	2. Trouble With the 'Man'

**Ickiakki- **Alright people, I'll give you an update for now, but remember that I will not update unless I get fifteen reviews next time. That's right, **_15_** reviews. I don't care how you get me to 15, you just get me there and I'll be happy. Otherwise, I will most likely not update! Get as many people as you can to review, or else I won't update. Did I actually manage to get a favorite! I hope that happens more often. I'm trying to get at least 50 reviews by the end of this story, yeah? You guys try and get me there, okay? I apologize for my punctuation errors. edited out the stars!

**Ed- **Hey! Where am I in this story?

**Ickiakki- **Nowhere. I hate you. Get lost.

**Wrath- **Wait a sec! I have a better idea. -whispers in Ickiakki's ear-

**Ickiakki- **Aww, that's a great idea Wrath! -goes to publish false news about Ed proposing to Winry-

**Ed- **Wait! I can't read the actions in stars! I mean... Dashes!

**Disclaimer- **I do not own Geico, FMA, Ebay, or any other corporation in this story except for the _"Paparazzi Press", _the newspaper in this story.

**"Road Rage"**

**'Calm' Before the Storm- Beginning Troubles With the Law**

**--------------------------**

It was late at night, the stars shone watchfully in the sky, glittering gleefully over the city. The scene shifted to that of a bar- apparently, a big party was going on. The sound of laughter, and drunkeness, could be heard from the outside. Envy sat on the chair, head in one hand laughing and joking with Lust, while admiring her. The two were having a wonderful evening, just the two of them. Both of them closed their eyes. Slowly, ever so slowly, their faces got closer. And closer. And closer. Until--

A group of birds began to chirp a merry tune as Envy fell off his bed. He hit the floor with a thud, and he shot a murderous glare at the birds. They stopped their chirping and flew away in fear. Envy did not need sleep, but he liked it anyway. He could have dreams- pleasant, perverted, romantic dreams about him and Lust... He silently cursed the birds for interupting it. Right about now, I would have come into the room with a flamethrower, and burned Envy alive. But alas, since I am not in Fullmetal Alchemist, and since Envy can't die, that didn't happen. Ahem. Well, now to Envy anyway.

Envy realized how early it was, and also realized that nobody else was up yet. He then felt the urge to drive, but he realized he did not have a car. But, if none of the homunculi had a car, why did they have a garage? It was this unusual, wishful thinking, that led Envy and his curiousity to the garage.

Wrath looked in the mirror half-heartedly. He pushed his messy hair back, but as soon as his hand left his hair, it fell back in place. He gave the mirror a pouty frown, and snorted at it. Then, he proceeded to go into the hall. He looked for any signs of life, but the place was empty. Everybody had left, early, it seemed, leaving poor Wrath to misery lying on the couch. Suddenly, he heard a crash, and a baseball flew through the previously unopen window. Wrath peeked outside to see who did it. He looked down upon the onlookers, while pondering how they could get a baseball to fly through the bathroom window located conveniently on the second floor- to keep fangirls from taking pictures. He heard the dissappointed sigh of many perverted fanboys.

"What the heck are you guys doing here?" Wrathraised an eyebrow as he folded his arms. "Seriously, I don't want to call the cops. They suspect Gluttony of eating fangirls! Which he didn't!" Wrath coughed.

"Aw, we didn't get to see Lust taking a shower," they all whimpered in unison, in a disturbingly repulsive manner. It seems that they had ignored Wrath completely.

Wrath squinted, and his jaw dropped when he recognized two familiar faces in the crowd. Among the tall men with extremely distrubed minds, he saw a short one, with blonde hair, a red coat, and a metal arm. Edward Elric. And, he noticed a dark-skinned man, with a scar on his forehead. Scar! Wrath, shocked, and mentally perturbed, but he could not help himself.

He could only scream, hollering really, as if asking a question, "**_Ed! Scar!_**"

The other two gasped too, when they found out that they had been discovered. They then quckly darted into the streets, running as fast as their legs could carry them.

They could hear Wrath's cry:

"**_I'm telling on you!_**"

"So, kid, can you get us that picture?" one of the guys hollered up hopefully.

Wrath winced as he slammed the window shut, and proceeded to call the 'cops'.

Envy drove along the streets in Greed's convertible. Suprisingly, he was driving within the speed limit. But, there was only one reason for that... Lust was passing by, and Envy gave her a catcall before speeding over the limit again. Sure Lust would kill him, but he was in a car, and she couldn't catch him. Besides, she would forget about it when she got home, or so he thought...

Now, as Envy thought about Lust, his concentration was driven further and further away from his driving. And, since he had to concentrate very hard to drive well, the quality of his driving began to deteriorate and deteriorate until it seemed that it couldn't get worse, but it did. It came to a point where the only thing that snapped him out of his reverie was the sound of sirens. That horrible, ringing noise that came from the car of a policeman. Envy began to panic, but then realized something. The policemen had not seen his face yet, and this thought gave Envy another "bright idea".

"Pull over!" One of the policemen, also known as "Joe", called out. He realized that the culprit wasn't listening to him, and looked to see who was in the car, so they could find their suspect if he escaped.

"Oh my _**gawd**! _It's _Michael Jackson!_" Joe and his shorter counterpart, Sam, screamed in terror.

"Michael Jackson" smirked, and jumped out of the car with an agility that only Envy could use, landing on his feet and making a quick getaway. Greed's Car? No matter. He wouldn't notice, anyway.

Back at the homunculus mansion, Greed sighed, disheartened. He knew no possible way to get his precious glasses back- he did not have the money, or a platinum credit card. Just as he was about to give up, he spotted something in the dirt. Could it be! It was Edward Elric's credit card! Immediately, Greed gleefully went to the computer room, passing Gluttony, who was stuffing his face with the food he didn't consume at breakfast. Wrath was sitting on the couch like the good boy he was, talking to the police about all the people that were outside. Seriously- they were still outside, Camping until that fateful moment when Lust would take a shower.

Sloth wandered around Central aimlessly. She wondered what Pride was doing, and yawned. She could hear drunken laughter from the other hallway, and smiled. It had worked- her attempt to drug the military was successful.

Somewhere, on the other side of the world, a Greed fangirl sighed dissapointed. She was melancholy because of the fact that- at the last minute- somebody beat her bid for her precious Greed's glasses. She, jealous of the person who beat her, went to check the name of the person who had gotten such a bid. As soon as she looked, she found out it was the one and only **_Edward Elric._** Shocked, appalled, and slightly disturbed, she went to go tell the celebrity reporters (also known as the paparazzi) what she had seen.

Wrath sat at home, bored, and wondered what the others were doing. He had taken care of the police quite well, and made them forget about Gluttony's actions. As for the men outside, the police said that they would need Lust's signature for the restraining order, (orders, most probably) so Wrath told them he would call them when Lust had come home. Wrath had played the part of a naiive, cute, good, little boy well. He wasn't naiive anymore when Envy had actually answered the common childhood question- "Where do babies come from?"- but Wrath still was a _good little boy. _Right? Someone that cute could _never, ever _be evil or psychotic right? After watching the entire FMA series, or at least athe episode when Wrath appears, that could _never ever _happen. Right? Right. Let's continue.

So, as our sweet little boy wondered about what he could do, there was a knock on the door. Now, Sloth had always told him never to answer the door. He had always followed Sloth's rules exactly, because he was such a good little boy, but also because he had learned from experience. one day, when Envy opened the door, fangirls swarmed in, a lot of of them hugging, kissing, and telling Wrath he was soooo cute... Because of that horrific experience, never again would he open the door without looking through the circly window thingy. So, that's what he did, first. It was Lust, and Wrath opened the door.

"**_Where is he?_**" Lust growled between heaving, angry breaths.

"Who? Oh, you must mean Envy. He's not back yet. If you don't mind my asking," Wrath said meekly, putting on his sweet, persuasive face, "What did Envy do to you _this _time?"

"That _bastard_ whistled at me!" Lust snarled.

"I know it's not my place but, a little suggestion Lust," Wrath paused to see if Lust was interested.

"I'm so desperate, I'll hear it," She said in a more normal voice.

"Why don't you tell him off?"

"I tried. A million times."

"Well, why don't you make him jealous?"

"No. Never. I will never go out with any of my fanboys, or-"

"You could use Gluttony. Or Greed."

"Gluttony!" Lust gasped. "That would be like using an innocent little kid!"

Wrath frowned, wondering if what she had said was a pun. "Well, Gluttony wouldn't notice, he's too dense. And, Greed might try something, and- Heck with Pride! He's _married!" _

**(Spoilers Warning! For those of you who don't know, more directed to those who do know, Pride actually kills his sweet little son because his son brings him his old skeleton in the last episode. In this version of the story, because I actually felt sympathy for Selim- Amazing, I know, and I am not being sarcastic- he is still alive in this fic.)**

"I'll think about it," Lust said, considering that Wrath had said something pretty relevant for just a little kid. "By the way, Pride has a little kid too you know? If you're so bored, why don't you go over and play with him?"

"Really?" Wrath perked up at the thought of actually having a friend his age. "But, Pride is... Wait a sec he has a kid! That means he can have-"

"Wrath... How do you know this?" Lust asked, looking a bit worried.

"I asked Envy where babies come from, and the last of my innocence was shattered in that very moment," Wrath sighed, remembering how he had cried for the last time at that moment, feeling the innocence drained.

"Well, Wrath, one thing. You can't just go over to Pride's house and say this to his wife: 'Hey! I'm a little kid named Wrath who knows Pride! May I please play with your son?" Lust said, sighing.

"You could give me something of Pride's that he might want, or something, so I can kinda have a purpose there," Wrath suggested.

"Here," Lust said tearing off a piece of paper, with some directions scribbled on it. She also gave him a bag of papers Pride had left in his 'secret office', also known as the men's bathroom. "Have fun," she said, without much enthusiasm as Wrath opened the door to run out.

"Wrath!" Lust called after him. Hearing his name, he paused. "Stay away from fangirls."

Wrath nodded in agreement.

Lust then sat with her head in her hands, trying to think up her options. But, suddenly, her face lit up, and she screamed, "I **_have a brilliant idea!_** "

She then realized what she was doing and sat down, and brushed her dress just to look a little more composed. But, she did smile wickedly, and thought of how to include Sloth in her plan. After all, she would be a usefull ally, and the two were great friends already.

**(No, no you** **sick perverts! No gay, lesbian, yaoi, etc. is in this story! And I'm keeping it that way.)**

Ed yawned. He rubbed his eyes and smiled.

"Hello, world!" He screamed to the birds that should have been outside. He then looked at the clock, and realized that it was the middle of the afternoon. He shrugged, guessing that his brother had gone out somewhere with Winry. He didn't care though, because it was a perfect, wonderful day! He went into the living room to read the newspaper. And there, on the very first page, was:

**_Today on Celebrity News:_**

_Edward Elric seems to have been accused of purchasing sunglasses, also known as 'shades'. But, they were not just**any **shades, but they belonged to another celebrity, known simply as "Greed". Edward Elric has been suspected of secretly being jealous of Greed, and his many ladies. Edward Elric, who I shall know refer to as ''E.E.'', has been suspected to have been secretly jealous of Greed's stardom. Here's a quote, from a fan of Greed's:_

"I never knew it!" _she exclaimed while talking to me, _"I never thought it was possible! It just couldn't have been! I was just browsing around on Ebay, when suddenly... It was just there! I couldn't believe it!" _She blew her nose, and began to cry from shock. She began to continue, but her words were too muffled for me to understand. _

_Edward Elric? Copycat or Blonde Shrimp? Both? Who knows._

_In other news, Pride has a son. Who knew!_

Ed glared at the paper, and all his happiness went out the window. Literally. It lifted out of him, while screaming, and flew out of the window. No jokes.

As Alphonse came home, Ed asked him what he was so happy about. Alphonse winked, gave him a thumbs up with a shiny, cheesy smile, and said, "I just saved fifteen percent on car insurance by switching to Geico!"

**--------------------------**

What does Lust have in mind? Whatever happened to Envy? What will Wrath do? Will Greed and Roy ever team up as two pimps to take over the cities riches and pretty girls? Well, nobody really knows.

**Wrath- **Would you give me a little hint at what happens next? Please?

**Ickiakki- **Fine. Let's just say Envy's manliness is at stake, Lust becomes something like that of a cruel dictator, and... Wait! I've said too much!


	3. Potheads

**Ickiakki- **So many reviews! Actually, I asked for people to review. Next time, you ask! I really want reviews, you see? Otherwise, my story will go underappreciated, you see? No, I'm not a ganster. I don't do drugs! And, I don't jack people. Seriously. Oh, and, I will answer your reviews at the very end. And, Envy is Swiss! Seriously. His original for is. That must mean Ed is Swiss too... Oh yeah, I am alive! It just took me a lot of time to brainstorm for this chapter. O.O I am alive? Yeah, I am. P

**Kitsune Freak**- Hello, friend!

**Ickiakki**- Gah! Since when did you get here?

**K/F- **The same way you, Shalin, Kathy, and Phillip all got into my story!

**I/A- **Agh! I've been discovered! Well, this will be a Greed chapter.

**Road Rage!**

**Chapter Two: "Potheads"**

**-----------------------**

As Wrath was off visiting Pride, Greed realized he was alone with Gluttony. With no Lust to control him. Greed knew that the oaf had good intentions, but, uncontrolled, Gluttony was dangerous. Gluttony ate fangirls! That was enough to prove that he wasn't safe. So, Greed decided to go to the place that Gluttony would never venture- the library. Greed hesitated. The library? No. It was too geeky for him! Greed had gotten enough money from his acting job and the Donut Mafia. Well, he couldn't get into the real mafia because they sucked, and, he was the only one with a gun, and, the I.D.D.S.(**I**llegal **D**ug **D**ealing **S**ervice) was closed from further on due to money managing problems. Kids, Greed is the example of a person you shouldn't be!

"What? Hey, wait a sec! It sounds like I'm on crack, I know, but seriously, I don't do drugs!" Greed shouted, waving his fist in the air. "People are starving! They can't come out of their homes to get food and junk 'cause of all the gang fights! We only sell drugs 'cause the government won't give us jobs, or stuff to sell! It's our only way out."

And thus, we discover that Greed is actually good person. Anyway, he was wandering around in the library, when a certain novel caught his eye. It was the classic, _The Three Musketeers_ by Alexandre Dumas. No, that is not a typo. His name is pronounced 'Alexander' but spelled that way. As Greed scanned the book cover, certain things came to mind.

"Wow, man, this dude has a funny last name," Greed snickered as he picked up the book. "Dumba-"

"It's pronounced _due-mahs_, not _dum-ass_, you idiot!" a shrill, high pitched voice insulted.

"Hey! Wait a sec, I must be going crazy! What was that Wrath said about hearing voices? Oh yeah, ' The voices only talk to me cause I'm _special_ '. Yeah, whatever. I hope that runt is right," Greed muttered.

"Oh, so you think schizophrenic people are special, huh?" The Voice mocked.

"Agh! That's it! You're not here, so I'll just have to ignore you- I mean, I hafta ignore it. Right," Greed explained to himself.

"You can't ignore me. Listen to me! Nobody else ever does! They just step all over me! You listen to me, or else!" The Voice boomed.

"Fine then, if you're not a voice, _come out_ and _tell_ me your name," Greed sneered.

"Sciezka," she said, as she stepped out from behind a bookshelf.

Greed began to laugh uncontrolably. He was worried for nothing. In fact, he was so absorbed in his laughter, that he began to bang his fists against the bookshelf. He would've done something stupid, until he realized that Sciezka had gotten past security. He put on his 'serious face'.

"Hey, how'd you get in here? You probably got in here the same way that fangirl did. Security!" Greed called, which really meant, "Gluttony!"

"No, no, please, don't!" Sciezka sobbed as her attitude changed automatically. "The libraries are all closed! Please, let me stay!" She grabbed his foot.

" 'Ey, get off me!" Greed scolded, with no regards to Sciezka's emotion. "You didn't answer my question! How'd you get in here?"

Sciezka stopped sniffing, and looked up. "I poofed. It's the newest form of transportation! No doors, trains, or automoblies needed!"

"What? Oh, yeah, right. We need better security," Greed grumbled.

"I'll help you!" Sciezka squealed, delighted by company. She grabbed Greed's wrist, and they 'poofed' out of the building.

Wrath stood in Pride's doorstep, and knocked on Pride's door. A maid opened the door, and oddly enough, she looked like a lot like Dante.

"Dante?" Wrath stammered, aghast.

"Watch it! I needed extra money!" Dante said between gritted teeth.

"Then why do we live in a mansion?"

"Shut up and get inside!"

' That must be Dante,' Wrath thought. 'She has the exact same attitude.'

"Wait here, you little wretch, I'll go get Pride," Dante said, in her usual irritated mood.

"Don't you mean 'sir'?" Wrath grinned.

"Watch it! If Sloth didn't love you so much, you wouldn't be living in luxury!"

"I will _always _be nice to Mommy. Besides, how come you listen to her?"

"Because she makes a part of the money! Just shut up while I go get Pride!"

"Don't you mean-"

Dante slammed the door on Wrath. He realized that, though taunting Dante was fun, he would have to take her advice. She had a nasty temper, and she might've kicked him out. Plus, leaving a bad impression one one of the maids would give Pride's family a bad first impression. How could Pride's son take it, anyway? Dante hated children. Heck, she hated everything. What a nasty old hag. Well, as Wrath was waiting to deliver Pride's... Whatever it was that Lust sent him, he began to look around, and remembered what he was wearing.

_Oh, no, I shouldn't be wearing these clothes! I've been told several times my high shirt looks feminine, and with my long hair people mistake me for a girl... Hm, I wonder if I can get away with transmuting some clothes now..._

The maids all stared in awe at the lightning coming from who-knows-where. Since they had never gotten an education, explaining why they were maids, they thought it was just some fancy science project Pride's son was working with, so they resumed what they had been doing earlier.

As Wrath was swinging his legs, Dante returned.

"Have you transmuted your clothes again? Shame on you, you're such a troublesome child," Dante scoffed.

"Dante, if you really want me to be nice to you, you should be too!" Wrath pointed out.

"That will never happen. You know I'm never nice to anyone. I hate people."

Right after Dante's little statement, Pride and Selim walked in on them. Dante's expression changed dramatically.

"Why, hello sir! Fine day isn't it?" Dante put on a fake smile, her left eye twitching.

_Kiss up, _Wrath thought.

Pride, assuming that Dante had finally lost all her sanity, coughed a bit. "Wrath, did Lust send something for me?"

"Yes, sir," Wrath said in his cute little voice, handing the paper to Pride.

Now, as Pride and Dante left the room, Selim still waited. He then peeked outside the door to see if they were both gone, and when they were, he slammed the door shut.

"Hey, are you feeling okay? Don't worry, I know there's no such things as monsters," Wrath muttered while looking at Selim strangely.

"I'm perfectly fine, and I know monsters don't exist... Except for fangirls," Selim shivered.

"Gah! I hate them!"

"They're overly obsessive. I'm glad daddy doesn't have any."

"Of course he doesn't! He's married! It's just common sense."

"Fangirls have no common sense."

"Hm, you're right."

"Hey, can you help me out with something?"

"Depends."

"Well, I've always thought so, but, moms are girls, right?"

Silence.

"I-I think so..."

"Well, are you sure? I think they are, but what if we're wrong?"

"O-Of course they are! If they weren't, they would be gay!"

Selim's face became white. "You mean... My parents might be _**gay**!_"

"No, no! Pride can't be gay, he called Envy gay once! And, he was insulting him, so I don't think Pride, or your mom, is gay."

"Oh, thank you. I was beginning to wonder how I was born... Where do babies come from, anyway?"

"I think you would like to preserve your innocence, my own has been swept away from me by Envy."

"How sad! You poor thing!"

"I know."

"Well, what can I get my mom? I've got something for Dad, but, I have no idea what to get my mom."

"Let's go ask random people!" Wrath cried in jubiliee. He and Selim then went on a search for a random female.

Greed was being dragged around by Sciezka, who had mumbled something about knowing people who could help Greed with security, through the city streets. He was still in his own world, trying figure out what Sciezka had meant by 'poof'. He didn't know that she meant it literally, though which prevented him from understanding anything. So, as he wondered how she could do such a thing, they walked along The Boulevard. Yes, that's the name of the street. When the citie's founders were naming the streets, they could never come up with a name for the first one, so they just named it 'The Boulevard'. But, they could figure out names for the rest of the streets, which was what everybody else who lived in the city thought was dumb. Maybe that's why so many messed up anime 'celebrities' lived there.

In order to reach their destination, they had to go through the slums of the city. Sciezka was always scared to go through this way, so she whimpered.

"What is it? Oh great, now your gonna cry," Greed paused for a moment. "Oh, yay! Where's my emergency stash of popcorn?"

"Sssh! I don't want any thugs to here us!" Sciezka whispered, while hissing.

"You mean gangsters? Don't worry, they won't harm you with me around."

"Ugh! Pervert! Stop pretending you're so great!"

"No, seriously. I mean it. They're friends!"

"Yeah, right!"

As Greed tried to explain, Sciezka refused to believe him. Greed finally gave up, and realized that he did not know where Sciezka was taking him.

"Where are you taking me?" Greed demanded.

"To... Wait a sec? Where was I taking you again? Hold on, let me think," Sciezka stopped to think, and shrugged. "I'll tell you when we get there. It'll be much more fun that way!"

"Fun? This is so far from fun," Greed whined, beginning to sound like Wrath.

"Stop whining!"

"Geez, now you're beginning to sound like _Dante._"

"Who's that?"

"She's this nasty old hag- I mean, lady- who's always bitching at us."

"Oh! So you're saying I'm a bitchy old hag?"

"Yeah. That's exactly it!"

Before Sciezka could scream, a Puerto Rican woman, seemingly in her fifties, threw a teakettle at Sciezka, while muttering something insulting in Spanish.

"See, what did I tell you! Just shut up!" Greed said warned through gritted teeth.

As Greed and Sciezka were arguing, they didn't notice that they were walking into a dark alley.

"Hey, **_you two!_**" a voice called out of the darkness. Greed and Sciezka froze.

As they looked into the alley, a couple of roughly dressed thugs came out of the darkness. One was tall and bulky, one was slim and normally-sized, and one of them was incredibly short. The other two looked like twins. Sciezka cringed in fear, and dug her hand into her purse to prevent any violence, and awaited something to happen. Nothing happened to her, and she opened her eyes to see what was going on. Her jaw dropped as she saw the scenario she was in.

The entire dark alley had begun to sparkle, and random strawberries and oranges were floating everywhere. Greed stood there, pink sparkles and all, with his arms open.

"Greed my man!" All the gansters said in unison, sparkling as well. Before the gang and Greed could share an embrace, Sciezka noticed something odd.

"What the fuck? All of you guys are **Indian!**"

"Racist!" they all screamed at Sciezka.

((A/N: Why Indians? Because, if I made them hispanic or African American, I would be stereotyping! And that's not right. Besides, I myself am Indian, and I know a lot of Indian names...))

"Who _are_ you guys?" Sceizka asked out of sheer curiousity.

"We are the **I.D.D.S.!**" they all replied, with even more sparkles.

"The what?"

"The **I**llegal **D**rug **D**ealing **S**ervice!"

"Shame on you!"

"Hey, if the cops didn't let you get jobs, and there are people starving in their homes 'cause of gangfights, there is no other way to provide people with the essentials!" Greed scolded.

"Wow, I never knew you gave a damn," Sciezka replied, with a new respect for Greed.

Now, Lust wandered around the mansion, taking in the wonderful sound of silence. Nobody was home! Well, Gluttony was guarding the door, but he didn't make much noise. Suddenly, the wonderful silence was broken.

"Lust!" Dante shrieked into the hallway.

"Dante? Why have you ruined my precious silence!" Lust moaned.

"To give you this! I've had it with this place! Pride's house is much nicer!" Dante scoffed as she handing Lust the deed to the mansion, and quickly dissappeared. There it was, shining in her hands. Now that Lust had the deed to the house, she could finally do what she had always wished to do! Rule like a brutal dictator and punish anyone who got in her way!

Well, Havoc was walking through the slums of the city, depressed. The Colonel always stole his women, and the only girl who hadn't fallen for the Colonel had rejected him- Katherine Armstrong.

A/N: She is a real FMA character too! And yes, she rejected Havoc 'cause she thought he was wimpy.

As Havoc moaned and groaned, the short Indian gangster, who's name was Shalin, was looking for customers, and noticed Havoc's cigarette. He also noticed that Havoc was wearing a State Alchemist uniform, and that little midget's brain was thinking up a plan to get him involved.

"Hey, you!" Shalin called out in his wimpy, shrill little voice. He had caught Havoc's attention."You look depressed. Having trouble with women?"

"How did you guess?" Havoc said, surprised he was talking to this guy.

"Oh, it's what most guys are upset about these days. Hey, want a drink? I'll buy."

"Why not? It's not like you're gonna get me drunk, or something," Havoc muttered.

"Of course not!" Shalin lied.

Meanwhile, Greed and the **IDDS** were having an odd conversation while they were waiting for Shalin. After all, they had a lot of catching up to do.

"Hey, that your new girlfriend? She seems to geeky for you. What about the snake girl that threatened to whoop our asses?" The tall scrawny one asked, also known as Sanjay.

"No! Sciezka was trying to invade the library where we lived, and I was hiding there. Besides, Martel and Kimblee are having a bombing spree at the fashion show," Greed explained.

"Why the fashion show?"

"Kimblee is bomb happy, and Martel hates fashion shows. I think it's because the fashion agent said she wasn't girl enough to be a part of the show."

"Ah, revenge, then?"

"Yeah, that's Martel. She just took Kimblee along incase."

"Where the heck is Shalin?"

"Aww, I think he'll be here soon."

Shifting scenes, at the fashion show, Kimblee and Martel were laughing maniacally. Paris Hilton, who happened to be one of the judges, was trying to bribe them with money. It wasn't working. So, the whole building burned to the ground.

Well, as Shalin was dragging an obviously drunk Havoc through the streets, he spotted another possible customer. Denny Brosh and Lieutenant Maria Ross had both succeeded in getting drunk by themselves. What luck for Shalin! Now, they wouldn't question him about Havoc. So, Shalin took advantage of their hangover and proceeded to bring them to **IDDS** headquarters, which was really their appartment. They all ended up smoking pot in the hallway. Well, Greed and the **IDDS** didn't, since they weren't that stupid, and Sciezka decided that smoking would do something to upset her photographic memory.

As the **IDDS** was counting their money and watching the State Alchemists get high, the door opened, and in the doorway was a tall Indian girl with wavy dark hair, and faded highlights.

"Hey guys! I brought the popcorn...? What is this? This isn't my room! This isn't my house! And, heck, these aren't my _friends!_" Mallika noticed. Then, she asked, "Who are you guys? Hey you! You're not sneaking out of here!" Mallika scolded Greed.

"I'm Greed!" Greed began his trademark intro. "I want women, I want money, I want power and-"

"Greed? Oh, now I know where I am. **Ickiakki!** Get me out of here before I reveal your true name! Wait a sec, if I'm not in the real world... I can meet all kinds of cool, fictional characters! Like Lestat! Hey, you, Wealth, or whatever..."

"It's _ Greed!_ I _want_ wealth."

"Fine then, _Greed,_ do you know a blonde guy with long hair?"

"Sure I do!"

Poor Mallika did not realize that she was not being specific enough. It was a huge surprise she didn't mention 'vampire' since that is her favorite word and current obsession.

**-----------------------**

**Ickiakki/- **Okay, the weirdest thing about this chapter is, well, I was listening to rap the entire time. That gave me a couple of ideas. But now, whenever I listen to rap, instead of just Rik, I picture Greed. _All the time. _And, I picture Envy as one of those weird voices, Wrath when it's an angry, smaller voice, and Lust when there's a female voice... And, Rik when there's a really low voice, and- By the way, I have a picture of Selim, for those of you who want to see it. Listen to "Trance to Homunculus"! The song for the Homunculi! Gluttony's voice is so creepy... He's the weird laugh in the song. Just go to envy. go to the media, then the mp3 section, and download it. It's so cool! Here are the answers to your reviews! Um, about the confusing transition of the world they're in... Well, let's not go there. But, I won't update until I get 40 reviews! I know, you're all like: "40! o.o 0.o o.0 0.0" But that's it. And, it will give me a lot of time for my next update. . Don't worry, Envy will be back in the next chapter. Sorry it was so rushed... I had to update.

**The Next Chapter: The Conspiracies of Man Mountain**

**X-Mirai-X: **OMG! That's so cool! You hate him too? Awesome! high five

**Rodaigon: **Yeah, we kinda... Swapped reviews? You could say that.

**Rashianew: **Finally, a reviewer who came here without my recomendations! Cookies for you!

**Aztec Goddess: **Really? I've always thought the EnvyxLust pairing was really overlooked. And, you are an example. See? Nobody really thinks of this pairing, but it's pretty obvious. Psst Envy looks better just standing next to Lust. She's a good image.

**Tsuki: **Oh, thank you! I'm sure your fanfics are good too, though.

**Nikuyoku/E N V I O U S: **Yeah, I always kept misspelling your name, so I used it. Except, I twisted it a little bit.

**Fullmidget Alchemist: **You and many others agree with me that Greed looks like a pimp. But, spoilers In Chapter 54 of the manga, He possesses Ling, and now becomes an Asian pimp in Asian clothing! endspoiler

**Eodaiya: **Wow. That was a very exaggerated, but very much appreciated, review!

**Kitsune Freak: **Well, Envy or Lust wouldn't use a word like, "Oh, shoot!" or, "Oh crud!". Of course not! I have to keep them at least a bit in character!

**Shale101:** Yes, it is. Thanks!

**roxri: **Okay, well, you just keep telling yourself that...


	4. Author's Note

**Ickiakki:** I apologize! "Road Rage" will be on Hiatus… But only for two weeks, because of finals. I should've told you guys this earlier, but I have an overload of schoolwork. Luckily, school ends in two weeks, like I've said before! Until then!


	5. Another Author's Note

**Ickiakki: **Sorry about the slow updates folks, I'm real lazy. You've probably figured that out by now. But, not to worry! The next chapter is on the way!


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